Relationship white-out.
Whether it’s an event, decision, health scare or loss of spark there are times when even the best relationships feel like they’ve lost their bearings. Perhaps you’re in a state of confusion where you can’t tell up from down or sideways. The relationship is lost in a whiteout.
In couples counselling it’s a good idea to check in with each other at regular intervals as to your shared values and goals. It is also great to do a needs assessment perhaps annually. From there you can set relationship goals.
But many of my couples clients arrive at my session to discuss something in particular that has come up, or occurred, or being avoided and they want to address that and build and grow from there. This is a great catalyst to work on a stronger connection and come up with solutions to move forward with. It is a relationship game-changer to engage in a course of couples therapy. By that I mean 4 sessions minimum. Ideally 6-8 sessions fortnightly.
Just some areas (skills) you might decide to work on include:
The fondness and admiration system
Love Maps
Stresses/Triggers
Fun
Compromise
Signs of emotional disengagement
Understanding partners family history
Softened start up in discussions
I take clients through each area (as per The Gottman Method) but the clients themselves set the goals and say what they are prepared to do. Now all of this does require an agreement that both parties willingly open up. This is hard but it will pay dividends with your partner and bring closer connection. And I assume when a couple does come through my door that they want to do the work, or they wouldn’t be there.
Some come to me for one session and thats ok. Sometimes you need that third neutral party or facilitator to talk about emotions honestly out of your own home and in a different space. This is therapeutic in itself, sharing feelings with your partner or saying things you just need to get out. And you can go home and begin changes there.
Through all this I maintain complete confidentiality for our sessions and there is no moral judgment that takes place. I treat each partner equally and fairly, do not take sides and do not encourage or discourage you to stay together. I am a solutions focused therapist not problem focused, which means I help clients construct goals and solutions to move forward in the future with hope. You may be worried that discussions could get heated but I am skilled in calming the dialogue and I protect both parties.
The most important element in couples therapy is to put on your LISTENING hat when you come along. You will need to have the courage and commitment to open up but it also takes strength and commitment to listen. This is what will build more awareness of partner and relationship, which will in turn bring progress.
And after all, a desire for progress or change is why you begin couples therapy.