Trust in relationships. Can it be regained?

Last year I had a client who came to me seeking clarity and direction with her personal life choices. She was married but three years beforehand, her husband had betrayed her by being unfaithful, emotionally and physically. The marriage survived until now but at the time we spoke she’d begun doubting the reasons why she stayed and she believed in reality she could no longer ever trust him again.

Which begs the question - can trust ever fully be restored? Whether it’s surrounding an unfaithful partner, verbal or physical abuse, emotional betrayal, stolen money or any others. Can you recover?

The answer in full observation is yes, but it takes work from all of the parties involved. And that is usually the letdown as often not all parties are willing to do the emotional work, or it’s just left up to or expected by one person in the relationship.

The nature of the feeling of trust is such that it is earned. And that is the key here. Think of it like a personal feelings bank within each person. One that holds honesty, safety, strength and reliability regarding another, and if that bank is tanked by the other it has to be filled back up again, metaphorically speaking.

If concentrated efforts are made by the party that broke that bank of trust in the first place then there is a good chance it can be regained. To fill back up again these efforts would need to be consistent and continuous, for a period of time until the hurt party feels reassured again. Two or three gestures over a couple of weeks is not going to fill the bank again. Think months and preferably years.

These concerted efforts can take many forms depending on the situation and people involved (including: loving actions, genuine listening, making time, more support, being more open and transparent, changing routines etc) and counselling is also a good start. How long the healing will take also depends on the individuals, but it stands to reason, with good work and time the bank may fill again within 1-3 years.

The hurt party on the other hand would need to engage in emotional work/actions/therapy that involved reducing resentment and blame, and growing forgiveness in the other and their own self confidence. Because the parts of self that are hit hardest with a break of trust are self esteem, self confidence and self worth.

So you can see here the recovery is definitely dependent upon both parties putting in true, authentic work. Not just the party that did the hurting. The dynamic of the relationship, self identities and roles are effected after a break of trust. It needs to be treated seriously and almost a ‘going back to the drawing board’ approach if you want the relationship to be saved.